The Heart of the Matter

The only two Christmas decorations of my Mom's. She was Mrs. Christmas...her house could have been on a Hallmark movie!
The theft of my Dad's storage was a total blow. Someone had the gumption to leave me and my brother's baby books, a box of old photos, some very old frames with photos of my grandparents as children, and my Mom's big green Tupperware box of all her recipes. {thank god}

Today for the first time since this past summer..I opened it up.
So, hard.

 Her cream cheese brownie recipe! (one from 1966 when they lived in Anniston, AL...it said so on the recipe) I'll never forget coming home one day after high school and the smell in the house and there were the cream cheese brownies sitting on the stove cooling (here in the mountains of CO)....  yes, into the house (first cabin) that burned done this past summer in Forbes Park during the 'Spring Fire'

I'm melancholy today and I felt closer to mom making her recipe.

 How much loss can a person handle?  Hard to put my mind around all this....first, the divorce (that is a far distant thing, but 'was' hard at the time), Mom dying from cancer, I moved to different places 3 times in three years which ended in my OWN home purchase for which I'm very thankfully, almost losing my son to something awful (so far so good in the right direction in the Navy), losing my soul dog (I know it was her time to go, but...), the fire (although, my Dad doesn't own the first cabin he built...it's still very hard), then the theft of the storage....Mom gone, stuff gone. I don't know. I'm 30 lbs heavier than I was before Mom died. There is no excuse.

I've lost a few friends and family members...(you know the good 'ol "blocking" or just absence of connection)  If they read this, what would they think? Probably wouldn't really care (let's be honest- or the 'I can empathize with you, but have no idea how it feels'  Hmm, to actually say this(?)
 I may be wrong to think this, but I no longer feel the pull to try to be in people's lives...what is the point?

And, yes, ruminating does not help the matters at hand.

Last Sunday I took a spill...on ice, face forward, sunglasses cut my brow. Medical glue instead of stitches, but that was traumatic when they cleaned the cut out! I return days later walking...sure enough spot the blood that I had left on the sidewalk :O I'm sporting my first shiner! the plum purple now has a yellow around it, so I'm on the mends. Could have been a back or a hip or a knee. I am thankful.
Guess Spirit strips everything away...I do feel 'gee, what's NEXT?', but it's really:

When am I going to get the memo that things need to change around here?  

I have no New Year Resolutions. I only aim to have 2019 be the year I PUT ALL 7 YEARS OF THIS STUFF COLLECTIVELY BEHIND ME...it's TIME!!!!

{THANKS MOM!}