Dec 5, 2006

The Goodbye once more...















As your loved one passes security, the end of the time is now- you walk away from the airport feeling emotionally naked. Oh, if it was only a 'business trip'- 2 days, 4 days, a week, or 2 weeks! No, it's 2 1/2 months. Always with the unknown....its a whole bunch of time. Is it easier walking away from a ship? ...perhaps-maybe it's the idea of air travel and finally helicopter travel.
No, its the missing of hearing how his sons interview went today after the SD Police transported him to his 'colonel' interview for Safety Patrol, it's the award given to his daughter tonight. It's the adjustment to where we were before- family of 4 -comfortable and with a nice household flow, the nights warm and snuggly- our little home. BAM! back to square one within 48 hours- over and over and over again for almost 17 years. (this come and go dynamic) Although there were a few years without it like this...I'm not complaining just releasing. Then the call one more time of 'I love you' the forced happiness, the hanging up, and the complete meltdown- the alone feeling right at that moment-kids are still in school- time for that pick up the boot-straps, get back on the horse- however you want to say it- there are many days ahead- the strength , the power, the emotion, the weakness, the endurance. I'll be okay. Once his 8000 mile trip is complete to Bahrain and the hope that they can get him to the ship quickly thereafter. Once he is on his ship my emotions will ease. To think I honestly sometimes wonder why a cookie comforts?
later tonight....
The coffee is suppose to perk longer. The casual conversation- alone our fluidity that we have of our constant talk- the lack of it is deafening. The found coffee cup from this morning that he drank out of. It's suppose to be a filled pair tonight so we can watch something together. My kids are seemingly resilient, however, I am getting less resilient. HA! 36...yea, a babe some may say, but I've always felt I have always had an older soul...perhaps I've gone through some have never experienced...this also ages you. I don't know- age is just a number- you feel the way you feel. The strong shoulders are weakening. When I wrap my mind around it- perhaps the thought that THIS is the last major goodbye- that is what I grab on to. Although, that sounds bad, but it's a good thing because next time he comes home will be the last. There is a 5 week school after moving to CO in Pensacola, FL, but that's nothing. Plus it's state-side. I say goodnight to the children. I come down stairs to an empty couch. I get a cup of that 'foo-foo' coffee. It's perfect tonight. This is what DH calls the fresh beans I buy that he loves, but wouldn't prepare himself. He only makes the Maxwell stuff...which is fine, but sometimes it's just nice to have the other. Nugget grabs her fuzzy ball and lies down by the couch. Her best friend with a blanket is missing tonight as well.

Tomorrow I will think more clearer. This time has felt like a dream, a tease, as if it didn't happen. I should have had a camera today at the airport- the snowman ornament Christmas tree was beautiful. I feel comfort just typing. I know you all care and will want to comment, but I've stepped out here and just wanted to type....for me- more than anything it was to just to sort my brain and feelings...not for comments.


Let's all be watching for that night-time launch of our space shuttle on
Thursday!!! My 'X picture' is long-over due, so I will be in my fuzzy slippers tomorrow morning working on that!!!! No worries...I'm back! Thank you to ALL for your for my past birthday wishes and again for all the support through these last weeks!

6 comments:

Jeanne said...

Sometimes it is comforting just to get our deepest thoughts written down...almost as though having the words there in front of us gives them more importance than if they were just thoughts floating around in our head. That is how I feel anyway....That is why I journal. Keep yourself focused on that light at the end of the tunnel.

carolyn said...

Oh it must be so hard these constant goodbyes.

Sonia said...

I agree with Carolyn, it must be so hard... But your husband will be retired soon, isn't?

Love the photos! So lovely and tender Nugget on your husband's lap!

Bon voyage to your husband!

Cathy said...

These last days and weeks will be the hardest, it seems. Straining at the leash for the freedom in the spring! You know we're all here for you. Xcellent photos of Nugget and her guy.

Donna said...

This post was one of the best you've ever written. You express how this feels for the family at home so vividly. You have all my love and prayers. Please let us all know when he is back on his ship.

Your Navy sister, Donna

Lilli said...

You poor thing. I can imagine only a fragment of what that must be like. The absence part, but not the danger and repetitive nature of your situation.

I do hope it gets easier for you. That's possible, isn't it?